5 Tips to Prepare for Family Gatherings

by Kim Williams

Kim Williams, PhD, is one of our interns! Check out her bio here and apply to work with her here.

The holidays can be a great time for families to gather together and make all kinds of awesome memories. But for those of us who exist outside the cisheteronormative mainstream, family gatherings often present some, shall we say, unique challenges. This is true for trans and GNC folks themselves, as well as for their partners. But while there are several on-line resources that provide general advice and/or speak specifically to the former, there is little advice for us, their partners, spouses, co-conspirators, significant others, and lovers. But we’re here too!

And we want not only to provide support, but also to stay sane during this holiday season, preferably without pissing off grandpa too, too much. (Unless he deserves it, but I’ll talk about that in a minute.) When it comes to navigating complex dynamics or advocating for our partners in awkward moments, a bit of planning can go a long way toward ensuring a smoother, more positive experience.

As the cisgender partner of a GNC person, here are my top five tips to help you and your Trans or GNC partner(s) prepare for the holiday season with confidence and care:

Open, honest communication is key. Set expectations and boundaries in advance. Talk with your partner(s) about their needs and concerns, discuss how you’ll support one another, and agree on strategies for addressing potential challenges. Role-playing possible scenarios, like how to redirect invasive questions or address deadnaming and misgendering, can help you feel prepared. You might also want to establish nonverbal cues or phrases with your partner(s) to signal when/if either of you need support or a break during the event.

If possible, it’s also a good idea to connect with key family members beforehand to tackle any potential issues, like making sure to use correct names and pronouns or steering clear of sensitive topics. This proactive approach can help minimize tension and foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and connection, transforming what could otherwise be a difficult gathering into a meaningful and uplifting holiday celebration experience for everybody.

Pro Tip #1: Practice role-playing conversations with your partner to anticipate possible scenarios and plan your responses.

Boundaries are essential at any time of year for protecting your queer family’s peace and privacy, but they’re often difficult to maintain – especially when dealing with the complexities of extended family relationships and the heightened pressures of holiday gatherings. Decide in advance with your partner(s) which topics are off-limits and how you’ll respond if they come up. And remember: it’s okay to assertively but kindly redirect conversations or decline to answer invasive questions.

For example, if someone asks an inappropriate question, you might say, “We’re here to enjoy your company, not talk about personal stuff. Let’s focus on the holiday spirit! And look how fabulous these decorations are!”

Practicing these responses ahead of time can make them feel more natural in the moment. You’re not obligated to educate, justify, or explain—declining to answer invasive questions is both valid and necessary in preserving a respectful environment.

Pro Tip #2: Pair your boundaries with a redirection to keep the conversation flowing. For instance, after setting a limit, shift to a lighthearted topic like holiday recipes or family traditions to ease the moment and keep the gathering positive.

3. Pack a “Comfort Kit”

Family gatherings can be emotionally taxing, so bringing along items that provide comfort and stress relief can help you stay grounded and manage anxiety if tensions rise. Consider packing a small “comfort kit” full of things that can give you a moment of respite and help you reset during overwhelming moments.

I always carry with me a lovely ruby red sequin makeup bag obtained many years ago from my local Value Village that has in it: a few of my favourite candies, some good earplugs, maybe an aromatherapy roll-on, an eye mask, my migraine meds, and noise cancelling earbuds so I can listen to some music or a meditation.

Your own kit can include whatever helps you stay grounded and take a sensory break from the chaos; a journal to process your feelings and/or an object like a smooth stone, fidget toy, or sentimental item that brings you calm can be great additions. But whatever you stash in your kit, by prioritizing your emotional needs, you can better support and advocate for your partner(s) while also empowering yourself to handle the gathering with more balance and confidence.

Pro Tip #3: Use calming apps or music playlists to create a little pocket of peace wherever you are. Guided meditations, breathing exercises, or relaxing music can work wonders for restoring your focus and calm, even during a hectic gathering. Personally, I love the “First This, Then That” podcast by the folks at Nothing Much Happens.

4. Focus on What You Can Control

Family gatherings often involve unpredictable dynamics, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by the things you can’t control—like how others might react to or say about your trans or GNC partner(s).

Redirect your attention from these unknowns to the things over which you have some measure of control. That’s why advanced preparation is so important! Planning ahead allows you and your partner to retain slightly more control, because you will already have communicated in advance about your expectations and boundaries, role-played how you will handle certain situations, recruited key family members to get on-side, and packed your comfort kit.

You’ll want to look for ways to make other people happy, too, whether it's laughing with your significant other(s), participating in a silly family tradition, or just enjoying the tasty food of a holiday dinner. Feeling more grounded and purposeful, even in the midst of chaos, is possible when you direct your focus toward these controllable components.

Pro Tip #4: Start the day with a grounding ritual, such as a short meditation, breathing exercise, or a gratitude list. This helps center your mindset and equips you to handle the event with calm and focus, no matter what unfolds.

5. Have an Exit Strategy

No matter how much you and your partner prepare for holiday family gatherings, unexpected challenges or overwhelming moments are likely to arise. That’s why having a well-thought-out exit strategy is so important. Discuss with your partner in advance how you’ll handle a situation if one or both of you need/want to leave early.

As mentioned above, this might include setting up a nonverbal signal, like a hand gesture, or using a specific phrase such as, “I think we left the iron plugged in!” to discreetly communicate the need to step away. It’s also wise to agree on logistics, like whether you’ll leave together, take separate transportation, or if one person will stay behind to manage the situation.

If I/we can’t actually leave a situation, I’ve been known to take a brief walk outside or a quiet moment in another room to step away and collect my thoughts.

Knowing you have an exit plan–even if it’s a brief walk outside–can provide peace of mind and reduce stress, which can often mean you’re less likely to feel the need to use it!

Pro Tip #5: If you can’t actually leave a gathering, you could make a temporary exit. The bathroom is a quiet place where you can be alone—even for a few minutes.
Pro Tip #6: Volunteer to wash the dishes. While technically not an exit, setting yourself up at the sink with a task to do – particularly an unpopular one – often means having a few quiet moments to yourself, away from the center of things. You might also be able to pop in your earbuds!

Final Thoughts

Family gatherings during the holidays can be unpredictable, but with thoughtful preparation, you can approach them with confidence and care. By communicating openly, setting boundaries, and planning ahead, you’ll create an environment where you and your trans or GNC partner(s) feel supported and valued.

Lastly, I suggest having a quiet “decompression zone” ready for when you get home. This can be whatever you want it to be. Maybe it’s a cozy space with blankets, calming music, and/or favorite snacks. Or maybe it’s a walk in nature. Or maybe it’s ordering a pizza and binge-watching your favourite show. Whatever this “decompression zone” is for you, it’s important to know that you’ll have a place to relax and recharge after leaving a stressful event. This ensures your well-being remains a priority, even after the gathering ends.