Coping with Queer Estrangement: The Families We Don’t Choose

Navigating estranged relationships with parents as a queer person can be especially challenging, particularly around holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.  Social media feeds are often flooded with touching tributes to parents, making it feel impossible to avoid.  These holidays, meant to honour parental bonds, can feel bittersweet or even be a painful reminder of what’s missing for those who have faced rejection, misunderstanding, or conflict due to their sexuality or gender identity. The societal pressure to partake in these celebrations often contrasts starkly with the personal realities of loss, rejection, and complicated family dynamics. 

What is Estrangement?

Estrangement can stem from various sources: religious beliefs, societal norms, or simply a lack of understanding and acceptance. For many queer individuals, coming out can be met with resistance or outright rejection from parents, leading to strained or severed relationships. According to a 2018 study by the Williams Institute, approximately 40% of 2SLGBTQ+ youth reported being rejected by their families after coming out, and another study found that up to 30% of 2SLGBTQ+ adults experience some form of familial estrangement.

Culture, Queerness, and Estrangement

Cultural backgrounds significantly influence family dynamics and perceptions of 2SLGBTQ+ identities. For instance, in many Asian cultures, family honor and collective identity play a crucial role, making coming out and estrangement particularly fraught. In contrast, Western cultures might place higher value on individualism, which can sometimes lead to more overt rejections but also offers more opportunities for independence and self-definition.

In Indigenous cultures, where community and kinship ties are deeply embedded, estrangement can lead to profound dislocation and isolation from culture and teachings. However, Indigenous communities also have rich traditions of gender and sexual diversity, which can provide unique support systems for 2SLGBTQ+ members.

Understanding these cultural nuances is important in addressing estrangement. Tailoring coping strategies to respect and acknowledge cultural contexts can help in managing the emotional impact of these holidays

Coping Strategies 

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Recognize that it’s normal to have complex emotions during these holidays. Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, or relief without judgment. Acknowledging your emotions can be a crucial first step in coping.

2. Create New Traditions

Instead of focusing on what is missing, create new traditions that celebrate your chosen family, close friends, or even your pets. This can include hosting a brunch, going on a hike, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

3. Seek Support

Surround yourself with supportive friends, community members, or connect with others who understand your situation. Joining a support group, either in person or online, can provide a space to share your experiences and receive empathy and understanding from others who have faced similar challenges. 

4. Practice Self-Care

Engage in activities that nurture your well-being. This can include reading, meditating, exercising, video games, or pursuing hobbies that make you feel good. Remember that self-care is subjective and even if yours looks different from someone else, it is still valid. 

5. Write a Letter

Sometimes expressing your feelings in a letter, whether you send it or not, can be a therapeutic way to process your emotions. It allows you to articulate your thoughts and feeling without the pressure of immediate response or confrontation.

6. Professional Help

Engaging with a therapist can offer additional support. They can help you navigate feelings of estrangement and develop coping mechanisms tailored to your situation.

The Presence of Queer Chosen Family

While the absence of parental support can be deeply painful, it’s important to remember that family is not solely defined by blood. Many queer individuals find profound connections and support within their chosen families-friends and community members who provide the love and acceptance that may be missing from biological parents.

You are not alone. There is a community of people who understand and share your journey.